Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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