do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
