You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
