why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
