I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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