i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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