I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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