Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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