The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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