take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
