Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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