...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
