Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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