My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
