The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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