I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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