dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
