just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
