we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
