Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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