actually, I'm a sock model
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
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so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
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Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.