I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm home, then i'll come over
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.