you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
