if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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