you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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