My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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