im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.