I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
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does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing