So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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