i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
