the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The beer is more important than you right now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
