I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
