I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Someone came in the potted fern
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
