my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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