i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
