soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
