Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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