happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
