Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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