its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?