so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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