at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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