Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
