Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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