I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
