i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She needs sedatives and a leash
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
