too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
