I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
