I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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