I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
