I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
