for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
