Say something about gay babies.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
