life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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