Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
