In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
