I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My feet surprised me
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