I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
